It's been a while since the last time I posted on this blog.
Today... I'm already at my limit and I don't know what to do. I'm here in Japan, living here was something I dreamt of since I was a kid. Now, that I am here... it's hard.
It's depressing.
Yes, I met the love of my life here. We got married a year ago.
You know, when you were a kid, you picture what it would look like when you got married or when you are you going to have kids and stuff.
And yes, it's not going to happen.
Japan, Japan... Yes, it's a great country, the people are nice... well, some.
I know my writing is all over the place, but I can't think straight right now. I miss the Philippines. I want to go back but I can't, because of work, and yeah.. Covid.
Now, that I mentioned "work", there are problems that I am facing at work.
First of all, my Japanese sucks. I am not fluent in Japanese at all levels. But, I am thankful that I got a job because my husband knew the owner of the restaurant.
Despite the language barrier, the owner hired me as a part-timer. And, that I was thankful. When he hired me, I haven't really thought of what I really wanted to do, but I knew I always wanted to cook.
And because my husband told the owner about it, he started teaching me what goes in the kitchen. I learned a lot.
He was patient with me and understood the situation.
But here's what it went down.
I've been working in his restaurants for 2 years, bouncing off in different restaurants, re-learning everything.
Now, I am at a shabu-shabu restaurant that he is in charge of. This time, he is not the owner but he is helping the owner (friend of his).
I agreed to work there because there's no one else he could find. And because of what he did for me, I went along since I owed him for hiring me in the first place. (Yep, big mistake).
The first two weeks were unsettling. Everything was new, I need to learn it again from scratch, and of course, because it is in Japanese, I was very slow.
Yes, he wasn't happy about it.
A few days after, he told me that I will be regularized. It was a shock. Before, when I was working at one of his restaurants, he also wanted to make me a regular employee, but I declined.
Come on, I am a foreigner, and I can't even speak Japanese fluently, and you're making me a regular employee? a manager? What?
Of course, I will decline.
This time, he didn't ask. He just told me and also he told me to get a driver's license, and my husband already knew about it.
Because I really don't know how to express what I feel, I went along with it. (2nd BIG mistake)
Well, I was thinking "No worries, I got time".
Oops, that was a huge mistake.
I got to admit, getting a driver's license was exciting. So, I was happy about it.
But, my schedule was tight.
Here's what it looked like: 10am-2pm (Work), 2pm-4pm(driving school),4pm-10pm(work)
So yeah, basically, no breaks.
And talking about, pressure and stress. The owner needs me to drive as soon as possible, so he can hand over the restaurant. And because of that, the pressure goes up and so as the stress.
I took the driving exam thrice and the written exam four times before I passed. That took a month of it and that's 4 long weeks for driving school exam and getting scolded by the owner because I can't do everything right!
Basically, he wanted me to magically be good at everything so he can take off.
I can't defend myself nor explain myself and this stresses me so much. I feel like I am seen as a "dumb foreigner" here in Japan.
For example, this week was hell. (all context are said in Japanese and I am not sure if this is right but I know for sure, it has some really angry words when he said it)
"You say, you understand, but clearly, you don't"
"I have taught you this before, Why can't you do it right"
"This is why you can't pass the driving exam, because you don't put it in your head"
And there are things I say in Japanese, that are in broken Japanese, and he thinks I am disrespecting him and starts saying things to me.
I cry almost every night because of work. This week, I got screamed at so much just for the small things and it wasn't my fault. But, since I can't defend myself, I just said, I was sorry in Japanese.
Whenever I say sorry, there's much more screaming.
The words, aren't really hurtful to me but on how he says it and the look on his face, it's confusing and it breaks my heart.
Sometimes, I don't know why I am still working for this guy?
Clearly, he doesn't realize that he hired a foreigner who barely knows Japanese and expects me to be fluent in just a snap?
I don't know where he gets this idea that I can.
I don't know how he would think that I will magically be fluent.
Maybe he hired me because I work hard? I do, of course, because I am the only foreigner that works for him and I need to work twice as hard as everybody else. But, this doesn't mean that I wanted to be a regular employee?! I just need to work hard, because I don't know how to compensate for my lack of Japanese language.
I am embarrassed every time he screams at me in front of the other employees.
This is why I think Japanese people lack compassion.
My first job when I first got to Japan, first everything was fine. No problems at all, but as soon as they gained your trust, that trust will be stomped and throw into the trash.
They don't like it when people are going to resign. They don't like it very much.
My first boss, yelled at me to go back to the Philippines and never come back. That boss told lies to my uncle (who is Japanese) that I was partying, not working, and just drinking every day.
And that is the tale why my Uncle isn't talking to me anymore.
and to add to that tale, when that boss told me to go home, the boss actually, drove me to the airport to see me ride the airplane. They cleared everything.
Okay, this blog is getting way too long. But, I can't stop.
Going back to the present. Yes, I am stressed, depressed, and pressured.
The only thing that makes me laugh right now, is watching "Friends".
Over and over.
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